It must be because of all the 'effin cute Asian babies

In case I haven't told you, I now live in a warm, bubbly world where cartoon characters rule the streets. Taiwan's infatuation with cuteness can best be explained as a Disney Princess that met Pokemon, fell in love, had babies and then started an advertising firm. Everywhere you go you will be surrounded by cartoon logos and Asian caricatures. From crossing the street where the crosswalk symbol is a little man in a rice paddy hat waddling two and fro, flashing green, to ordering dinner by pointing at the precious baby cow cartoon on the menu, you will find life is increasingly adorable (much like Sarah Palin). Nearly 80% of all reputable companies' logos are composed of a baby animal or make believe creature with giant enticing eyes. Ohh ok, I'm making that up. But I dare you walk down a street in Taipei and not see an adorable construction man cartoon telling you to wear a hard hat. It's impossible.

From Happy Chan to Domo, Doraemon to the walking talking head of sushi that represents Sushi Express, life is nothing but cuteness on a stick here in Taiwan (or so they want you to believe). Yet the cartoons don't stop with the logos, nope. They are plastered across the bodies of grown women, women covered head to toe in Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh. Not an ounce of shame in their eyes as they make their way to the office in the morning, prancing around like a 5 year old on Christmas day in their new Hello Kitty pajamas. And its not just women! Grown men walk around in clothes and hats covered in crazy monkey cartoons, wearing shirts with teddy bears that are holding hands and kissing (and you wonder why my gaydar is officially broken).

Unbelievably, it gets even worse. Even the government here has taken a liking to all that looks fat, funny and happy. Informative and critical emergency protocol is often presented in hysterical cartoon form. MRT escalator warnings are shown by what looks like the waist down of Mickey Mouse (if he were to accidentally get his foot caught in the machine that is). And as for elevators, well just imagine, as the elevator doors open you watch your friend walk into not an elevator, but an open shaft of doom. This fun scenario is cheerfully represented in most elevators by a cute cartoon man, screaming his face off and freaking out as his friend plummets to his certain death. Nearby a cute puppy naps in the corner. I'm not joking.

The amazing thing is, from a business perspective, this kind of thing had to be approved by not just one high up executive, but passed through layers of account managers and designers before each detail was refined and settled upon. These hilarious cartoon warning signs probably took months to develop and approve, each time, some brilliant government employed designer saying to himself "Yes, this is perfect. The cartoon freaking out reminds you of the gravity of the situation, while the puppy reminds you life is worth living." Meanwhile the MRT public service announcement designer thought, "Indeed, this weird animé subway rider has just the right look to motivate individuals to check the balance on their prepaid metro card."

It's these geniuses that also go around approving TV commercials compiled of complete nonsense. I know, I know, you're saying to yourself, "you don't even speak their language of course it doesn't make sense to you." But believe me when I tell you, no spoken words could make sense of an iced tea ad where a nerdy life guard teaching old women water aerobics is smashed in the head with two giant lemons, falls in love with a human sized penguin and then falls down an iced tea waterfall with his new penguin friend. But alas, all of it is so darn cute. Perhaps they're onto something. Wouldn't you want to dance with a life size penguin? I know we all would if we were being honest with ourselves here.

I would like to state some kind of amazing fact about the happiness created by these cartoons here in Taiwan, like 'suicide rates are among the lowest in the world due to happy baby animals enticing me to deep fry their delicious carcasses', but a quick google search proved that theory wrong pretty quickly. Instead, I'll just leave you with some of my favorite day to day images from the cutest advertising execs in the world:

Local Steakhouse, "Come eat me, I'm all dressed up for dinner!"

Mister Donut: "Come eat me, I'm a baby lamb/cruller"

Japanese Steakhouse "Come eat here, you have the choice of adorable baby pig or adorable baby bull on a platter, both cute, delicious and viciously slaughtered for your convenience"

Local sandwich shop "Come eat me, I'm a piece of bread with a bow in my non-existent hair"

Hello Kitty Cake: "It's not enough that you wear my image plastered all over your body, come eat my face too!"

Sushi Express: "I'm a walking talking piece of sushi, I have raw fish for a hat. Eat me"

MRT informational animé. I mean really, just picture animé at Grand Central informing riders how to check their metro card balance and try not to laugh

Moving truck company: "Why hire someone that looks like a reliable, strong individual, when you can have a funny panda clumsily move your valuables while attempting to walk upright instead, teehee"

Construction site warning: "bricks may fall from the sky at any moment. Wear a hard hat or end up retarded and legless like this guy"

Elevator warning. (Sorry this pic is so bad! I'm too embarrassed to openly take a good picture in front of other elevator passengers and admit I'm not actually laughing about a funny joke I heard earlier) Actual translation from above: "Holy FFFFF, dude you just fell down the shaft! That's what she said."

And this one has nothing to do with cartoons, but just cracks me up. I love old people (when they're not walking in front of me) because they're just so out of it and so funny. Just look at these two in an MRT ad promoting respecting ones elders by giving up your seat on the subway. They're so happy about something as they stare off into the distance, dazed, confused, having no idea that subways even exist now. Grandpa is thinking about prunes for dinner and Grammy is just waiting for the bitter sweet end to it all. Next time you see these two, you'll do the right thing, I'm sure.